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Post by Souleh on Dec 2, 2004 20:02:45 GMT -5
Hidden in the floorboards of his room, is a small, all too elegant diary. The cover is hard, covered in soft, black velvet, the pages a smoky gray that contrasts against the deep ebonite of the pen he always uses. In silver-gray cursive, the title is placed carefully on center, reading On Broken Wings and then, beneath it, The Diary of Adrian Phillip Caldik in slightly smaller lettering. The pages are marked with the spidery, somewhat small cursive, creeping across the paper elegantly. It was all around a beautiful book, although some of its contents were quite different, even ugly.
If one were to read it, he wouldn't 'die', but he might go a little tipsy with worry. Perhaps this lack of extreme fear of someone knowing what went on inside his head was the reason there was no lock, and the reason for such an unoriginal hiding place.
OoC: First entry coming tomorrow...being booted off right now!
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Post by Souleh on Dec 3, 2004 15:44:00 GMT -5
I don't know what to think, what to write, even. It's strange...feeling so...confused. Sure, I've always been a little out of it, never really knowing what's going on, what's 'normal.' (If everyone believes they are normal, and others are strange, is there really such a thing? And if there is not a normal, is there an abnormal?) Maybe it's because I never tasted the slightest bit of normalcy, that I can remember. My first memory was being thrown up in that attic, having no idea what I had done wrong, and, later, having that d**ned collar put on. By my own father, with my brothers watching...smiling...
No. I'm not going to think about that. It's in the past. The Past. P-A-S-T! They can't make me think about it, no one can; not Kat, so innocent, so much like I would have been, if I weren't tainted. Is it better to be naive and happy, or know the evils of the world and be sad? I wish I knew...I'd give everything up if I could just be happy, for once. It's impossible, there's always something that's wrong. In the back of my mind, someone is whispering 'No, this isn't right...this isn't good.' And I believe him. Just like I let him take control.
Pathetic, that's what it is. I'm completely pathetic. I can't even hold off something that isn't real...I can't even fight a personality. A personality that hates everyone. But is it better to hate everyone, or to loathe yourself with a passion saved for romance novels? I'm positive, though, that to suffer from both hatreds is in no way good. Will I have to choose who I want to be? Adrian or...something else, that calls itself Adrian, too?
There are too many questions. I wish everything were easily answered; I wish I knew everything that would happen. I want that power, that /control/. God, I'm thinking like a scientist. I can't know what will happen, I can't know all the answers to life. That would be playing God, and that is something no one can do.
But they did...they played God and ruined my life...or what was left of it. Now I can't even go out in public without fearing for my freedom, my life. Now I can't even sleep steadily. Nightmares every night, is that a blessing, straight from the gods in white coats? A sort of punishment for escaping? Did they plan this? Did they know I would never be able to forget, never be truly free of the lab?
Memories are coming back. I can't write them down, not yet. Right now, I need a blade. Or I need to throw up.
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Post by Souleh on Jan 27, 2005 17:33:07 GMT -5
She's more beast than child. I hate her. Sadistic little wench. Every time she shows up, she makes me hurt, she plays with me. Like a cat with her prey. And that's what I am, to her...prey. I'm just a bird...just three and a half feet...just a little birdy, and she's a big nasty kitty...a tiger. I hate her. She can't control herself. Can't control her instincts. And she makes me hate her. If she were nicer, wasn't such a lying brat...getting everyone on her side...making them think I'm crazy, then I would like her. Maybe. Then maybe he wouldn't tell me to get rid of her. But he's right. I should get rid of her. She deserves it.
But I'd get caught. I'd be in trouble. Plenty of it.
I'll just teach her a lesson. Perfect. Get her alone. Show her what happens when you make a Caldik hurt. I'm not a baby. They were wrong. Father, Lucian, Marcus, Kristopher, Frederick, everyone. I can show them why we never lose. I'll show them with Kat.
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Post by Souleh on Oct 1, 2005 16:08:30 GMT -5
How long has it been, my friend? Ages. I should write more frequently--perhaps then there would be no negativity to tempt him out of hiding in the corner of my mind.
Or maybe it would just breed more nastiness.
...Lately, my mind has been on the lab. Not that it ever isn't. But...it's different, this time. I'm not thinking of the white coats, or the hurt, or anything. I'm thinking of before /him/. Before...the infection experiment. There were two of us. Skye and I. The female and the male. That was the way at that lab...always a male and a female, occasionally more...but always an even number. She was perfect...the most beautiful feather pattern, just...everything. Of course some of it was instinctive. How could it not? But...I keep letting my mind wander to those last days...before it started. The best thing in the world is to have a nest for two...you can live with the rest of the horrors of the lab if you have that time every week to just /be/ with her. I know it was wrong, how they placed us, just /kids/, really, together like that, expecting exactly what happened...but...it was the sickest and the kindest thing they ever did. Until they chose our species to be part of the infection experiment...the /grief/ experiment. We both got ill, but only one person's dose was fatal...if I hadn't been so /difficult/, they would have done me first.../I/ would have died.
I was placed in a new facility, after...worse conditions...maddening...the things that happened there...what white coats did...what experiments did...
A little kid like me should never have been there. They wonder why I have a voice in my head? I'd like to see them stay sane after that...cesspit.
Hopefully this will empty my head. Keep me from thinking about her. Let me focus on being nice to Zepher and that new dead girl. And avoid Kat. Live in the present. Focus on getting skinny. On keeping /him/ out. On...the frivolous matters of a three-and-a-half foot boy who would like to have his memory wiped, pretty please.
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Post by Souleh on Jan 18, 2006 22:01:45 GMT -5
Who knew I could get so very red like that anymore? Of course, I didn't see it. How could I have? One can't just /look/ at their own face without help from a mirror, pond, anything reflective. But I could feel it. It was the same burning, unbearably hot sensation I got a long, long time ago. Just in my face. And my neck.
It spread to my /neck/.
Really, how old was I when that last happened? Pre-escape...post-Skye...
By the Four, I don't even keep time by /age/ anymore.
The point is, I hadn't really thought about what I was doing when I got Kadraishi's gift. It was just sort of...impulsive. A whim. I saw it, and the decision was just /made/ that I wold get it for him. I didn't really spend more than a few seconds thinking before I took it.
It just occurred to me, that maybe someone sane might have advised me against getting him the necklace, had I asked for someone to buy it for me. Legitimitely. Rather than just grabbing it.
Miakoda, Adrian, you're an idiot. Could've saved yourself so much embarrassment if you'd kept your mouth shut.
And now he /knows/...
What I'd Love For My Birthday: An eraser for everyone's memory. Or mine. Or a new birthday.
I'm really just...not looking forward to it. I hate winter.
OoC: Dyude, WTF?[/size]
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Post by Souleh on Mar 28, 2006 0:22:12 GMT -5
I suppose I'm supposed to start this with something celebratory, considering what time of year it is. Like 'Happy Spring'!
Yes, what a happy spring. Everyone seems to have gone off the deep end. Here I am, maybe pulling myself a bit farther from the edge, and people are swan diving right past me. And it's not like it's just a few new, tipsy arrivals.
Zepher seems to have lost her mind. She's waltzing right into danger, going to meet some scientist...whose lab seems to have discovered us. The fact that some people are okay with this is frightening. She's--probably unfortunately for her--practically the glue that holds this House together. I wouldn't be surprised if, should she get captured (Miakoda forbid it), the House were to literally fall apart. Not that it isn't in disrepair as it is.
Of course, that's only one person. But...some idiot boy thought it would be cool to take a friend up on a dare and knock on the door. And Buffy let him in. A simple misunderstanding, of course. But then people seemed to think it was fine to be horrifyingly chummy with him! Nasty boy. For all we could know, he's a particularly good actor that happens to be a spy.
Although, I have to admit, it was gratifying seeing how frightened he was. Of me. It was a rather new experience.
Anyway, the other one showed up. With Zepher. And, apparently, the stupid clone-boy is trying to explain things and he got all pathetically glowy when Zepher thanked him for being 'sane.' After she yelled at the rest of us! Called me paranoid. Pardon me for not wanting to see my home destroyed!
I swear, should any filthy lab scum lay one foot on the property, he'll have nightmares for the rest of his life.
Should I let him live.
And I know I can do it. I've almost done it before! They didn't neutralize me back then...they figured that out after that pathetic bastard learned not to do that. I shouldn't have wasted the chance on an experiment. I should have taken it to the whitecoats. But the point is, I know coating someone can kill them. Lack of light can easily lead to lack of heat. And voids don't get warmer, no matter how much heat they'll absorb. They'll just keep taking until the corpse is at absolute zero. And lack of light...just that can scar someone terrifically. Humans seem to be so amusingly scared of the dark. They never realize how harsh light is. How it gives a whole new appearance to...anything. Instead they cry, scream, panic when their precious light is taken away.
I could've done it to the kid. I would've, had I been absolutely sure he was a spy. But you can't be. You can't be sure until they admit it. I have to at least give the others--no matter how stupid, insane, and naive they're being--that. There's always doubt until there's an admission of guilt. Or undeniable proof.
He still shouldn't have been there. We still shouldn't have said what we did. But there's no use challenging them all. They'd all find it rather silly.
I know most of them find me a bit insane in the first place. Although, I don't think they're warning people about me, anymore. Perhaps that's a good sign. I haven't freaked out on anyone in...ages. It feels quite good, actually. Not that I'm anywhere near alright. There's still a lot of mending to do. You could stumble upon Adrian Caldik twenty years from now, and he still wouldn't be healed. But at least there's only me in my head, now, aside from a few whispers at night and in the morning.
Still, though...I can't help but feel like somehow I'm a volcano building up, and one of these days all of the quiet days will be interrupted by a break down of phenomenal proportions.
But what are the chances? If any one of them knocked on the door, I'd lose it, but what are the chances they'd show up here? No one in their right mind would help them, tell them about a haven. They'd send them straight into the arms of the lab. Unless they happen upon...Mali the white one. Or even the black one. They could smooth their way into directions for a haven. Even purr their way into the House.
But what are the chances? There's other stresses I should worry about. Like losing Zepher. Do you know what that would do? I couldn't stand to lose another one to a lab. I don't even feel anywhere near the same as I felt for Skye--Zepher's just a very good friend, probably one of the only ones (even if she yelled at me), but I still can't see her hurt. Re-captured. I'm sending a guard with her. I don't know if I'm strong enough to be much help...I'll have to be terribly lazy around the house to have enough energy to maintain its existence should she wind up too far away. Miakoda forbid.
I think that's quite enough for tonight. Although, if I'm not mistaken, nesting season will be rearing its ugly head soon.
Another season of woeful sighs while I watch all the little birds fall in love. I hope I don't get entirely too instinctual and do something stupid. Mostly, I find, it's just jealousy.
I'm beginning to think I hate all of the seasons. Perhaps I prefer fall?
OoC: Yo, that was fun.
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Post by Souleh on Oct 10, 2006 21:46:48 GMT -5
OoC: Ehm. Pretend that the date is April 12/same as Training and Stuffs. kthxbai. <.< >.>
BiC: Idiot! Stupid fvcking idiot!
I This is so Someone knows! I'm such a complete, complete idiot. I let it happen! I just let her take the memories, and now she knows! She knows just how fvcking disgusting I am. And she stuck around to watch me turn into a weepy pathetic piece of sh!t. How she even could bear to touch me for as long as she did is a mystery.
Told me I could talk to her if I needed to. She wouldn't tell.
I don't know if I should believe her. I don't even understand it.
I should never have let this happen. Ever. I should never have let that happen. If I wasn't so completely easy and helpless none of this would ever have had to happen. None of it. Every godsbed**ned thing.
What's so fvcking wrong with me that I can't keep anything good? I ruin every fvcking thing or I let someone ruin it or I just
Gods, why the fvck do I even try anymore?[/size]
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